FINDING ME! NO???!!!

I made a comment recently that I lost myself over the years. After thinking about it and the persons reaction to my comment it made me aware that the comment put a negative light on my spouse. Maybe that is just how they reacted to my statement, but that wasn't  my point of making the comment.

I also had someone recently ask me what I was good at. This really got me thinking because I could not think of anything I was good at. I'm not saying this to fish for compliments. I am saying this because it is true and how I feel.

So saying I lost myself is not true . I believe I never really found myself. I allowed life circumstances to form me.

I met Bill when I was 14 years old and married at the age of 18. Became a mom at 19.  Bill and my children became my life. Bills goals and dreams became my goals and dreams. I didn't realize this either until I was talking to someone and told them I always wanted to move to Vernon BC. They asked me "WHY?" when I thought about it I realized it was because Bill wanted to move there. We both wanted to live in BC, BUT he thought Vernon was the most horse friendly spot in BC. THUS I always wanted to live there too.

My labels were always, Bill's wife, the "pastors wife", Ryan Stock's mom, Christine's Mom.

I am not blaming anyone here. I think a lot of this is normal for women and especially women from the early 80's and earlier. . You get married and set goals together. You help your children find their interests and what they are good at and you put your own interests aside.

I am so proud of my daughter Christine who recently published her book. Proud that  she is stepping out and making her dreams a reality. Not allowing her role as a wife and mother totally define her and who she is.Not letting FEAR stop her.

Some of my interests I allowed FEAR to get in the way of doing them. I always wanted to be a nurse but I allowed fear to get in the way and didn't pursue my goal.

The only thing I have done for 35 consecutive years is be a wife and a mother. I believe I was a good wife and an ok mother. Lots of room for improvement as a mom. I am still working on that everyday.

I had this beautiful vision yesterday while contemplating all of this and having my life formed for me rather than taking an active role. . I thought of the Hoo Doo's in Drumheller and how their beauty was formed by water, wind, and frost. They are amazing to look at.

It made me think that I am not less of a person, but have beauty and significance still, but Now I am making point of finding out who KAREN is. What do I like? What am I good at? I am not letting only life and circumstances mold me.

I have discovered a few things. I realize I am strong! Like the hoo doo's , the weather, or in my situation, life has made me strong. I didn't know how strong I was until I found myself on my own. I am proud of my strength. I find that strength in Christ. Phil 4:13. I can do all things in Christ who strengthens me.

I am generally a very happy and positive person. I find that JOY inside of me. It is not dependant on my circumstances or having someone in my life to make me happy.

Don't get me wrong, I do get very sad and long for the love of my husband. I long to share my life with someone. I long to be loved. But that does not take over my thoughts or life. I am still happy. I still know I am loved by many and especially by God.

I am discovering what I like. I belong to a book club and a wine club. I love reading, which I always knew. I am learning to like wine, but mostly have realized I love learning about the different wines. MOST of all I love people and like this social part of my life that is my own.

I am taking horseback riding lessons. I have always been around horses because of Bill's love for horses but realize I love them too.

I am thinking of so many things to try. Photography??? dance??? the possibilities are endless.

I have also made a decision to go to school. As  mentioned I always wanted to be a nurse but allowed fear to get in the way of my decision. I am too old to become a nurse, so I am going to take the health care aide course. Its short and conveniently located and who knows, maybe I might venture out farther. Its a step.

So here I am trying to find out who I really am. What I like and don't like. What I'm  good at. I am taking an active role in my search for myself. I am allowing God the potter to make me and mold me into his creation. Like the Hoo Doos ,life will continue to form me as well.

I am no longer the pastors wife. I am KAREN the daughter of a KING! I am LOVED!