FINDING ME! NO???!!!

I made a comment recently that I lost myself over the years. After thinking about it and the persons reaction to my comment it made me aware that the comment put a negative light on my spouse. Maybe that is just how they reacted to my statement, but that wasn't  my point of making the comment.

I also had someone recently ask me what I was good at. This really got me thinking because I could not think of anything I was good at. I'm not saying this to fish for compliments. I am saying this because it is true and how I feel.

So saying I lost myself is not true . I believe I never really found myself. I allowed life circumstances to form me.

I met Bill when I was 14 years old and married at the age of 18. Became a mom at 19.  Bill and my children became my life. Bills goals and dreams became my goals and dreams. I didn't realize this either until I was talking to someone and told them I always wanted to move to Vernon BC. They asked me "WHY?" when I thought about it I realized it was because Bill wanted to move there. We both wanted to live in BC, BUT he thought Vernon was the most horse friendly spot in BC. THUS I always wanted to live there too.

My labels were always, Bill's wife, the "pastors wife", Ryan Stock's mom, Christine's Mom.

I am not blaming anyone here. I think a lot of this is normal for women and especially women from the early 80's and earlier. . You get married and set goals together. You help your children find their interests and what they are good at and you put your own interests aside.

I am so proud of my daughter Christine who recently published her book. Proud that  she is stepping out and making her dreams a reality. Not allowing her role as a wife and mother totally define her and who she is.Not letting FEAR stop her.

Some of my interests I allowed FEAR to get in the way of doing them. I always wanted to be a nurse but I allowed fear to get in the way and didn't pursue my goal.

The only thing I have done for 35 consecutive years is be a wife and a mother. I believe I was a good wife and an ok mother. Lots of room for improvement as a mom. I am still working on that everyday.

I had this beautiful vision yesterday while contemplating all of this and having my life formed for me rather than taking an active role. . I thought of the Hoo Doo's in Drumheller and how their beauty was formed by water, wind, and frost. They are amazing to look at.

It made me think that I am not less of a person, but have beauty and significance still, but Now I am making point of finding out who KAREN is. What do I like? What am I good at? I am not letting only life and circumstances mold me.

I have discovered a few things. I realize I am strong! Like the hoo doo's , the weather, or in my situation, life has made me strong. I didn't know how strong I was until I found myself on my own. I am proud of my strength. I find that strength in Christ. Phil 4:13. I can do all things in Christ who strengthens me.

I am generally a very happy and positive person. I find that JOY inside of me. It is not dependant on my circumstances or having someone in my life to make me happy.

Don't get me wrong, I do get very sad and long for the love of my husband. I long to share my life with someone. I long to be loved. But that does not take over my thoughts or life. I am still happy. I still know I am loved by many and especially by God.

I am discovering what I like. I belong to a book club and a wine club. I love reading, which I always knew. I am learning to like wine, but mostly have realized I love learning about the different wines. MOST of all I love people and like this social part of my life that is my own.

I am taking horseback riding lessons. I have always been around horses because of Bill's love for horses but realize I love them too.

I am thinking of so many things to try. Photography??? dance??? the possibilities are endless.

I have also made a decision to go to school. As  mentioned I always wanted to be a nurse but allowed fear to get in the way of my decision. I am too old to become a nurse, so I am going to take the health care aide course. Its short and conveniently located and who knows, maybe I might venture out farther. Its a step.

So here I am trying to find out who I really am. What I like and don't like. What I'm  good at. I am taking an active role in my search for myself. I am allowing God the potter to make me and mold me into his creation. Like the Hoo Doos ,life will continue to form me as well.

I am no longer the pastors wife. I am KAREN the daughter of a KING! I am LOVED!

Part 3 God's Word Brings me Peace

21 August 2007 at 09:50

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I do not have patience. I am having a hard time waiting on God.Ii want to know why? I want a sign! and then I receive His word once again, and it brings me Peace

I WAITED PATIENTLY FOR THE LORD: HE TURNED TO ME AND HEARD MY CRY.
( PSALM 40:1 *NIV )

Patience has become a lost art in this World of ours today. We have come to expect instant answers and results with everything, even including our prayers as an example. Now another example is when we watch evil men commit crimes or cheat others, and seem to get away with it.

Therefore we are to practice patience, knowing that God is in Control, and God's justice will be served! So, BROTHERS, AS AN EXAMPLE OF PATIENCE IN THE FACE OF SUFFERING, TAKE THE PROPHETS WHO SPOKE IN THE NAME OF THE LORD. AS YOU KNOW, WE CONSIDER
BLESSED THOSE WHO HAVE PERSEVERED. YOU HAVE HEARD OF JOB'S PERSEVERANCE AND HAVE SEEN WHAT THE LORD FINALLY BROUGHT ABOUT. THE LORD
IS FULL OF COMPASSION AND MERCY. ( JAMES 5:10-12 )

REST IN THE LORD, AND WAIT PATIENTLY FOR HIM; DO NOT FRET BECAUSE OF HIM WHO PROSPERS IN HIS WAY, BECAUSE OF THE MAN WHO BRINGS WICKED
SCHEMES TO PASS. FOR EVILDOERS SHALL BE CUT OFF; BUT THOSE WHO WAIT ON THE LORD, THEY SHALL INHERIT THE EARTH. FOR YET A LITTLE WHILE THE
WICKED SHALL BE NO MORE. ( PSALM 37:7 & 9-10 )

Therefore my friend, WAIT FOR THE LORD; BE STRONG AND TAKE HEART AND WAIT FOR THE LORD. Amen.
( PSALM 27:14 )

Gods word Brings me PEACE part II

I cried out to God Why? Why is this happening? Why? And most of the time I just CRY. And then I receieved this devotion and once again God's word brings me Peace.

I WILL CRY OUT TO GOD MOST HIGH, TO GOD WHO
PERFORMS ALL THINGS FOR ME. HE SHALL SEND FROM
HEAVEN AND SAVE ME.
( PSALM 57:2-3 *NKJV )

A member of our God's Minute family sent me the following story. I hope that it will Minister to you as it has Ministered to me. Now, the short story.
_________________________
The only survivor of a shipwreck was washed up on a small, uninhabited island. He prayed feverishly for God to rescue him, and every day he scanned the horizon for help, but none seemed
forthcoming. Exhausted, he eventually managed to build a little hut out of driftwood to protect himself from the elements, and to store his few possessions. However one day, after scavenging for food,
he arrived home to find his little hut in flames, the smoke rolling up to the sky. The worst had happened -everything was lost. He was stunned with grief and anger. "God, how could you
do this to me?" he cried.
Early the next day, however, he was awakened by the sound of a ship that was approaching the island. It had come to rescue him. "How did you know I was here?" asked the weary man of his
rescuers. "We saw your smoke signal," they replied.

It's easy to get discouraged sometimes when things appear to be going badly. But we shouldn't lose heart, because God is at work in our lives, even in the midst of pain and suffering.
Remember, next time your little hut is burning to the ground, it just may be a smoke signal that summons the grace of God!
For all the negative things we have to say to ourselves, God has a positive answer for it.

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Gods word brings me PEACE

I have been going through so much recently and when I am feeling anxious and hopeless God's word comes and speaks right to my heart. Yesterday I was questioning God. Asking why would you want to hurt our family ? Why do we have to go through this? I cried thinking how much I am hurting. I went on my face book and the verse that was sent through the daily bibile verse was Jer 29:11." For I know the plans I have for you. Plans not to harm you but plans to prosper you. "My heart was lifted. God doesn't want to harm me. He wants to proper me. I claim that verse. Today I open my facebook and the verse is "Jesus looked at them and said, "With man this is impossible, but not with God; all things are possible with God."

I am feeling like I am fighting an impossible battle. In fact my status says that. I am fighting a losing battle. It feels impossible to fight the government. But once again I claim my verse. With man this is impossible, but not with God; all things are possible with God."

While on holidays I was having the same feelings and this devotion was sent to me via e-mail.

BEHOLD, I AM THE LORD, THE GOD OF ALL FLESH. IS

HERE ANYTHING TOO HARD FOR ME?

( JEREMIAH 32:27 *NKJV )

When you are facing something that seems impossible to you, have faith, for nothing is impossible with God on your side!" After all is it not written: HE WHO IS IN YOU IS GREATER THAN HE WHO IS IN THE WORLD.

( 1 JOHN 4:4 )

So don't give up when facing what may seem impossible to you. For you do believe in miracles don't you? Well isn't a miracle something that has happened that seemed impossible at the time?"

Also remember that Jesus said: "HAVE FAITH IN GOD. FOR ASSUREDLY, I SAY TO YOU, WHOEVER SAYS TO THIS MOUNTAIN, BE REMOVED AND BE CAST INTO THE

SEA, AND DOES NOT DOUBT IN HIS HEART, BUT BELIEVES THAT THOSE THINGS HE SAYS WILL COME TO PASS, HE WILL HAVE WHATEVER HE SAYS. THEREFORE I SAY TO YOU. WHATEVER THINGS YOU ASK WHEN YOU PRAY, BELIEVE THAT YOU RECEIVE

THEM, AND YOU WILL HAVE THEM." ( MARK 11:21-24 )

Therefore the next time you find yourself thinking that something can not be done; remember the first verse of this message and, WATCH, STAND FAST IN THE FAITH, BE BRAVE, BE STRONG. LET ALL THAT YOU DO BE DONE WITH LOVE. ( 1 CORINTHIANS 16:13-14 ) For then if it is

God's Will for you, it can be done indeed!

What a great God we have. He hears our cries and he answers us. See note 2 to follow how God continues to speak.

God calls me His child but does he expect me to act like one?

Can you relate to this scenario I am about to share? bear with me cause it will have a point at the end.

As a mom/parent have you ever been making supper and on the phone or busy doing things and one of your kids comes up to you and says "mom, I'm hungry!' Because I am in the middle of something i may not answer them or I will give them the signal with my hand "one minute".

Again they tap your arm and whisper "mom when is supper I'm hungry" I whisper back "soon just wait"

a few minutes later they are tapping on me and poking me. "mom? MOM?"

I ignore it this time because I have heard the request and I am working on it.

More poking, louder voices "MOOOOOOOMMMMMMM! I'm hungry"

WAIT!!! I say

finally a stomping and crying and wailing begins to errupt. Maybe threats like you don't love me, you want me to die....immature rants. You get the picture

I stop and give them a small snack to satisfy their whining and their needs and tell them the good stuff is coming I am working on it and it takes a little more time.

I realized that is me with God. The last little while i am saying "God what about this situation here". He says to me "Wait. I'm working on it"

I poke him again and say "GOD please didn't you hear me, I have a situation here." He gives me the signal "just wait on me"

I begin poking and whining and saying why aren't you listening to me. I stomp my feet and I threaten and cry. You dont' love me, you dont' care....

This week God gave me my snack and said I heard you. This will satisfy you and wait honey cause I am still working on the big stuff.

I love HIM! He is my Father! He cares for my needs. Just like I care for my childrens' needs.

He looks at me and I know he calls me child, but maybe I shouldn't act so much like one. HMMMMMMM

I heard recently that the pope has added new sins to the list of sins. At first I thought "that's a little bold of him to add to the bible" However after being in Vegas recently I can totally agree with some of the new sins that were added.

these are the sins he added

Contributing to widening divide between rich and poor

Excessive wealth

Creating poverty

Many of us wonder why God lets children starve to death in Africa. When we get to heaven we will say "God why would you allow that?" and He is going to say to you "Why did you? I gave you the resources and yet you didn't put it to use."

Have you ever thought what a person from a third world country would say if they came into your home? I know if they came in my home this would be their conversation back home.

"You wouldn't believe me how big their homes are! Each person has their own rooms. WITH BEDS!!!!! and blankets. They have closets full of clothes and I don't know how many pair of shoes they own. Some just to match outfits!

They have huge cupboards of food, pantries filled from floor to ceiling, fridges filled and two freezers full of meat."

They have 2 vehicles and a boat and a home they call a trailer for camping. It's bigger than our huts...

Each child has their own TV and computer......

In their homes are sinks where water runs freely. They can get water at anytime. They just have to walk across the room and there it is."

They have a machine they can walk on just for exercise and yet they are still over weight.

I could go on and on, but this gives you an idea of what they might see if they came to our homes.

WE have such an abundance and we don't realize it. We compare to the next person and say "Oh I dont' have that much, not as much as they do!" But we do!! WE HAVE AN ABUNDANCE!

How many of us buy lottery tickets??? That's an abundance. We take money and basically throw it away.

The money spent in lotteries and machines is incredible. I was sickend by it in Vegas. People just throwing money away and for every bet that was made a child died of starvation.

We went to church while in Vegas and there was a missionary who came to talk about building wells in Africa. He shared how the women will walk 6-8 HOURS just for 5 gallons of water. The water they bring back is so contaminated. People have bathed in it and "relieved "themselves in it. Children are dying every 15 seconds of water related diseases. It costs 4000.00 to put in a well.

So after church we go to the Bellagio Hotel. Inside are all high end shops, Gucci, Rolex, Prada, etc. Gucci purse could almost cover the cost of a well. We pay thousands of dollars for an container to hold our "stuff" in.

I went to a jewellery store and there was a necklace with a price tag of 2 and a half MILLION!! What could that do for a country???

People obvioulsy buy the jewelery or else the stores would not stay in business.

We have soooo much water that we create a "show" . The Bellagio is known for it's water show . water spraying in time to music.

It's almost ridiculous when you think about it. It's like a taunt "LOOK AT OUR WATER!! WE HAVE SO MUCH WE WILL MAKE IT DANCE"

We have huge buffets and we pile our plates and throw away the left overs....we eat far more than we ever need.

So I can see why the pope deemed it a sin to have excess wealth. We really don't do anything to help. Oh sure some of us do.....We ooooh and ahhh when big stars throw in their 100,000 to help. But to them that is like me throwing in my couple hundred dollars.

I am just as guilty. I do my "bit" and that's what it is a 'Bit". I sponsor a child for 30 a month....so what I gave up a movie....what a sacrifice!!!

My heart grieved with God while I watched the excess spending, eating, etc in Vegas.

I am not saying that we should be in poverty either. God has BLESSED US with an abundance, but he did it for a purpose! He didn't do it so we could get more and eat more etc! He did it so we could bless others and in that be blessed!

What a joy it is to be able to give and help.

I dont' want this to sound like i am judging or preaching. My intent is to share my heart. I am GUILTY. THe fact that I could go to Vegas and do what I did proves it!

I am thankful that God is opening my eyes. I am excited to see where it will take me!

LIVE SIMPLY SO OTHERS CAN SIMPLY LIVE!

Who is this man?

I wrote this in September of 2012. 

He was a man that I once knew inside and out. My knight in shining armor... If blindfolded I could pick him out from a crowd. From the cracked toe nail. To the scar on his forehead. Every inch, every smell, every sound I would know it was him. But today I look and other than those features I don’t know who he is. It’s like the body snatchers have invaded and left just a shell of a man. The empty suit of a KNIGHT stands. The face mask is down and closed. He can’t peer out and no one can see in

He was once a man whose eyes twinkled all the time. Now they are empty. When you look in them there is no life. There doesn’t’ even appear to be a hint of life or love.  I look deep into them and I only see the sad reflection of someone he once loved looking back.

He was once a man who felt pain who would never allow pain on others and now he inflicts it in his words and actions. He was like a knight in armor and would shield the fiery darts of criticism to those around him. He would defend and battle, but now the only one he defends is himself.

He could stop tears from flowing and now he isn’t concerned that he is the one making them flow. He isn’t concerned that so many tears are flowing. He moves farther away in order not to see or be damaged from the pain.

His lips would only speak words of love and praise and now its like they have forgotten how to form the words.  They never even escape his lips. A guard is standing making sure nothing escapes, not even a tiny breath filled sound.

His touch!  His touch could warm the coldest soul. Would ignite a fire from the deepest coldest heart.  It was warm and tender and soothing. Today it is COLD. It seldom touches.  Never an embrace, never a comforting pat. Never fingers enlaced, or a soft hand placed gently upon another.  Its gone. It’s like the armor he once wore as a knight is too heavy on his body and won’t allow him to move.

His armour has now become cumbersome! He moves in it like a robot. Only doing what he needs to do in order to survive. He’s gone